Tuesday, July 23, 2013

最后一次

刚从爷爷的葬礼回来,
这是我人生中最后一次以孙子身份送行
在我有记忆以来,
这是第五次帮长辈送行
短短的十年,说长不长,说短不短
五位长辈接二连三的离我而去
回到家看到丧服,我问妈妈她会要留下还是丢掉
这时哥哥说了一句让我很感慨的话,也是为什么会有今天这篇文章
“你已经再也没有需要穿蓝衣送行的时候了。爷爷奶奶级的长辈全都不在了”
是啊,全都不在了
今天把爷爷的神位请回家的时候,看着充满回忆的爷爷家,心里有非常多感触
曾经那是我新年觉得最闷可又迫不及待想回去的地方
曾经那是我一踏进门看着那么多叔叔婶婶不知要从何叫起的地方
曾经那是我可以听到爷爷奶奶大声说话的地方
大人不在了,晚辈也就没有理由过年过节需要回乡了
很现实,可是是事实
空荡荡的屋子只剩一张张耐人寻味的照片,还真的不忍心多看几眼,害怕会因为回忆而难过
我知道生,老,病,死 乃是世间之道
离别和死亡并不可怕,回忆才是会让一个人难过的
还真的有点难接受对我来说最强的后盾已不在了的事实
爷爷和死神拼搏了一个月,最后躺在棺木里的样子我真的不能接受
因为病魔把他摧残的简直完全变了一个人
原来一个人生前不管多么风光快乐,在死神面前你什么也不是
我的梦想还很遥远,但我一直期盼着爷爷奶奶可以等到我出国的那一刻,看着我出国留学
我不奢望他们还能看我学成归国,但我真的曾经希望能在出国前度过我最后两年美好的新年,吃完我想吃的,奶奶的拿手好菜
可是往往我预想的太美,往往事与愿违
奶奶去世后,爷爷成为我更加努力的动力,现在连他都走了,我。。。
我和两老的关系并不亲近,可是我一直觉得很光荣,能当他们的孙女我觉得很光荣,这无形中让我觉得我和他们的心靠的很近
和堂兄弟和叔叔婶婶的关系会因为爷爷奶奶的去世而疏远吗?我不知道,也不敢多想....


我真心的希望往生者能够带着好的功德去到更美好的世界,保佑子子孙孙幸福美满。
我会想念你们


Friday, June 21, 2013

This is not the end yet

Been slacking at home for exactly one month.
This month is not easy for me, holidays is not as good as you imagined.
Last summer i was working in a pharmacy, expecting nothing in return, not even money.
Fortunately, you often gain more when you expect less. Words cannot express how grateful i am to be able to work there.
This year summer, i was expecting myself to work in pharmacy again, but ended up staying at home.
I should have started my work, if only if I don't have scoliosis.
Because of this hereditary disease, I need to go for treatment at least twice a week and this makes me unable to go for work.
The treatment now comes to an end but it is too late for a part time worker like me to search a job.
I admit I am choosy when searching for jobs. I don't want to work in field that is not related to my field of study, like fashion etc.
I am 20. I am a big girl. I know money doesn't come in an easy way. If you want to spend money you gotta get it yourself.
Just when i was about to accept the fate that staying at home to do self-study is my only option, here comes the haze.
I was so furious and couldn't understand why there are people like to do things that will harm themselves and others. I can never understand.
Apparently I am not the only victim of this haze. But you know what? this haze is like the second fate that I need to accept beside the jobless life. I never feel so helpless before.
Masks are out of stock. Everyone is living with fear. When can this haze end?
It makes me sick and yet there is nothing i can do to stop the haze.
We're like every single alphabet inside a book; every chapter represents different countries; and the book is our universe. Do you see how tiny and how helpless we are? being trapped inside a sentence or line that we can never escape.
Never take things for granted. I now know that the fresh air you breath in every minute is a gift from God. Cherish it with all your soul. Light the candle instead of cursing the darkness.
So here comes the third strike : the second accident in my life.
It happened when I was assisting my sis to drive ( fyi, she is first time learner) It happened in just a blink of an eye and i couldn't do anything to stop the accident to happen.
After all, I was the one to be blamed  because of my ignorance and inexperience. I can't help but think of the first accident that i thought i've already let go. Emotional trauma is hard to be cured. It takes time and I think I need more time.
I am not a weak person, emotionally and mentally. But having went through all these, I was nearly at the edge of breaking down. It is the prayers and positive thoughts that keeps me moving.
I believe this is not the end of the road. These are the challenges i must endure in order to see the rainbow.
Pray hard, live now, hope for tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

活该

很想放弃
很想哭
为什么每个人时时都那么有冲劲
为什么我总觉得力不从心
难道这是在告诉我我们有多么的不适合吗?
我想我需要好好想一想
这条路,我能走吗?
我完全一点头绪也没有
不知从何开始
对前面的路也非常彷徨
谁可以来教教我
我应该该怎么做?
我是个不遵守承诺的人
这是我的报应。

Sunday, October 21, 2012

shut up

okay so since nobody is going to read my blog, i am going to write whatever i want

Found out something that pissed me off today and seriously, i would want to smack them as hard as i can

I never ask you to come. Neither do i welcome you. So just do what you need to do and can you please stop gossiping about other people?

You should know very well that they are all here, those who can't be trusted especially.

I never thought my life will be messed up like this. I mean i had imagined how it going to be, but not as sucks as this.

I did wrong, in someway. I reflected and try to correct it as much as i can. But how about you? you? And even you? Do you?

I guess you didn't know the power of rumor. Perhaps you wouldn't want to understand it. Because that's where you life is. You are part of it, bitch.

I never be such rude as i am now. thanks for this.Because i just don't understand why the world, why there are such people around me, trying to make me feel wrong.

I promise this is the last time.

For now on, i won't spend one second thinking of how to please you. I would just be myself.

And finally bitch, this is for you: shut up your mouth and do something which is right. Your life is such a mess.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

memories


《on call 36 小时》  主题曲:连续剧  演唱:容祖儿

最近在看的另一部医务剧。有医学,有爱情,有亲情,更多的是医生在医人是面对的挣扎,挑战,愧疚,不舍。我看过很多戏,坦白说看戏就是我的爱好,除了看戏,其实其他的一些比如说弹琴看电影都只是敷衍而写的。不过不完全是敷衍啦,我还是喜欢做,但是这些远远比不上戏对我的影响。戏如人生,人生如戏;看戏真的让我学到很多。看过那么多医务剧,这是第一部让我觉得放弃做医生的决定是对的戏。 每个要做医生的人在告诉身边的人自己的决定时,身边的人第一句话一定是: 你确定吗? 是啊, 我确定吗? 以前在订这个目标时我每天问自己的问题就是我确定吗?我可以吗?我真的能胜任吗?我到底知不知道医生在做什么?他们面对的挣扎,痛苦,绝望,压力等等等等都不是一般人能够承受的,也不是你看多一点戏就能预先建立好的心理准备,毕竟那只是戏,而且你工作的环境,国家,医院,诊所,未必如戏。戏在能取悦观众,迎合大众口味的前提下,医学绝对不是唯一因素,所以说,因为有了爱情,亲情,权力斗争这些催人热泪的场面和激烈的桥段,戏才能如此好看并且赢得极佳口碑。可是你人生哪能有那么多dramatic moment? 定下心来想想,我真正要的和我真正想要做的其实都不这些,最重要的是,你可能会认为我很理性,事实上我感性的很,这种性格的人,就算我的病人康复出院了,我还是会因为舍不得而难过,并不会因为他的病好了而开心。=。=  不要看我都不哭,其实我还是热血的,我还是会有很深很深的感触和体会,就因为相信事出必有因,所以我真的很感谢我所遇到的每个人,事,物;也因为感谢,所以会有不舍。到最后,我还是坚持在医药领域发展,只不过不同行业,我希望我还是可以帮助病人,服务社会,为自己作为人类在这地球上的每一天贡献自己的绵力。

今天是foundation的最后一天课,感触很多。从最初决定离开好不容适应了的环境和圈子,到鼓起勇气一个人来到这里读书,过程有喜有悲,有好与不好,有泪有汗,有喜欢不喜欢,有爱有恨;从第一个学期,第二个学期,一直来到今天第三个学期的最后一天。其实来到这里的时候我就跟自己说已经没有回头路,不管我做得多烂,我也只能继续在这间大学生存,可是我不容许自己再继续堕落,所以从一开始就设定目标,不管有多压力和辛苦,我也一直忍,一直尽力做到最好。说真的在开始的时候还真的有想过会不会一年过去后我又做不好要换第三间学校,会不会到头来我干脆辍学算了,反正我没有很厉害读书,不是什么读书的料。我没有想到的是,我因为这个决定得到的远比失去的多,我真的得到,学到,领悟到,看到,体会到 很多如果我继续在原本地方读书所不会发现的事。我想我不必多说,因为你不可能知道我所经历过的事,我看到听到想到体会到学到得到领悟到所有所有的一切。这些经历真的真的很珍贵。

谢谢,谢谢所有支持我决定的人,谢谢家人们没有一句怨言的帮我准备所有的一切,打理一切,为了不让我担心从不跟我多说家里的事;谢谢朋友们的谅解,我知道你们还是颇有微言,想说我为什么就这么决定离开了,真的对不起,也谢谢大家;谢谢我在这里遇到的所有人,你们很棒;谢谢所有的讲师,真的谢谢,我很多问题,所以我知道能遇到一个愿意为你解答所有问题的老师有多难,这里的讲师让我心存感激,没有你们,我没有办法知道那么多,学到那么多;谢谢老天爷,虽然过程没有很平顺,起起伏伏总是人要经过的,谢谢你让我能够坚持下去没有放弃,我感谢这过程;最后,我要好好谢谢自己,谢谢自己做了这么勇敢的决定,谢谢自己没有因为困难退缩,谢谢自己实现对自己的承诺,因为第一阶段目标已经达成。 谢谢所有人对我的爱,支持,鼓励,安慰,歧视,责骂。。所有的一切对我都很重要,没有这些,没有今天的我。

我还有很长的路要走,我也知道我绝对不能满足与现状,我会继续努力,不会让我之前的努力白费,更不会让爱我的人担心,我的华语明显退步,明明有很多想法,可是想不到对的词来表达,总而言之,我真的很感谢所有的事情和所有的人,是你们让我成长,文字不足以表达,我会以行动继续证明。

我会带着这些宝贵的回忆,继续下一个路程。亲爱的你们会继续与我同行的,对吧?
我们一起努力吧!


 《MEMORIES》     Album:  Mr.Simple  Artists: Super Junior

NICE SONG INDEED!:)

 Have a nice day ahead!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

내가 당신을 사랑 !

I know you miss me a lot. yup it has been a long time since my last post. sorry but i don't have anything special or mood to update.since someone keep reminding me that my last post is 16 March, okay i should start a new post so that it appear to be...April..

Been busy for assignment and work lately. Don't ask me how am i coping, i am trying my best to survive. I hope the outcome will be fine. Just wish me luck then!

I always be extremely crazy whenever i found new bf. haha. Fyi, my new and current bf is them! ;DD






i can't find good picture in google but in case you are wondering, all of them are handsome!XD I love each of them for their hardwork and talent. Talented guys always attract me by the way. :)) oh well, i leave it to you all to determine who is the most handsome guy. the wallpaper of their new album is quite funny to me, in order not to disappoint you all, i deleted the picture. haha.

Oppa, hwaiting! ;D

hmm well, going to continue my work. SJ, see you in my dreams! :) korea is always my love. I wonder when can i visit to the country. hmmm...

I think i am enjoying my current life now with all the love and i hope i can continue it.
All the best to you and mee!
Take care! <3

Friday, March 16, 2012

Bleeding wound of unfairness

i thought i am nice towards friend.
i thought they will know that i am treating them using true heart and love.
i thought they know
but obviously, they don't.

friend once told me i was different, i was different when treating different people
to those i like, i treat with love
to those i dislike, i treat with hate
and yes, i treat with two extreme different feeling
so it's very easy to hate me and love me
friend said it was a disadvantage for me
as people who don't like me will hurt me.

i don't wish to offend any party.
i try my very best to please every single party beside me
even if i'm always the one who is in disadvantage
i changed
i try to considerate other's condition before giving out any unfavourable words
even though friends beside me always talking bad words, i try not to talk
i try to say something nice about other people, giving a thought that they did that because of some reasons
they did nothing wrong and we don't know them either
we have no right to criticize them
we aren't any better also
human are flawless, that's why we always hope for perfection
but, sometimes you must change yourself in order to fit into your gang,or even society around you
so i believe i must have said something bad about other people
which in deep in my heart, i don't believe at all
i am saying for the sake of saying, in order to mix with them
you can despise me, angry with me, talk any thing bad about me
coz i really did that and i admit
god had sent me some friends on the first day of school which i never thought i can have friends so fast
i truly appreciate it
they are not bad, but as i said, people are flawless, you can't expect a perfect person do everything as you wish
they are excellent study partner, for no doubt
but when time goes on, they started to trust you, and did something that they expect you to know it's just a joke but you're hurt because of their words
you can never tell them because you aren't going to expose your weakness to them and you don't want them to feel awkward later on.
it's right when they said never tell others your weak points, never give them the chance to tease you.
papa always tell me, never trust people.
i deny it at first, but after so many years and undergo so many things, it's true that the persons that you can trust in this world is yourself.
low grades make me sad, but all i need is just a day
a day is more than enough for me to recover and i can take things easily and let go easily
it's not going to affect me much
i believe i still not that stupid yet
but sometimes, hurtful words take me years to forget
even when i though i forgot, i will still feel the pain in my heart when i remembered it
i am not going to tell you and i will still treat you as usual
but bear in mind, i will talk less now
to protect myself and to avoid getting myself into any unnecessary trouble
people are selfish, so am i
nobody is going to protect me except myself
to that friend, sorry to say you've hurt me
i wish you realise one day because this attitude is going to affect you in other days
and i admit it, i still can't let go so easily
i need time


i always belief everything happens for a reason
and that's the belief that support me until now.
i will get something back in return when it's the time
but sometimes no matter how much you've done
you still feel like you're losing more than you're receiving
and i guess
i am still a normal human who will get tired
when i am always the one who give rather than receive
am i the founder of the gang?
if yes, truly sorry that i think it's the time for me to rethink am i suitable for staying
because i don't feel any respect
sometimes i wonder why am i always the one who show concern
why am i always the one who co-operate with you all
why can't you all spare a thought for me?
do i really matter to you all?
ok well, it's not a single incident
it's an accumulation


continuing writting will not make things better and aren't going to make myself feel any better
so i guess i should stop here.

i said before, i will explode for all the unfair things that happen on me
and things are getting worse throughout this week
it's a tough week
though i manage to survive
i need some space to shout
twitter and fb is not safe for me anymore.
too many people get involved
the only safe place for me is my home

i will get what i want eventually
i'll give my love only to those who worth it
i am sorry, you all don't

till then.