Bleeding wound of unfairness

i thought i am nice towards friend.
i thought they will know that i am treating them using true heart and love.
i thought they know
but obviously, they don't.

friend once told me i was different, i was different when treating different people
to those i like, i treat with love
to those i dislike, i treat with hate
and yes, i treat with two extreme different feeling
so it's very easy to hate me and love me
friend said it was a disadvantage for me
as people who don't like me will hurt me.

i don't wish to offend any party.
i try my very best to please every single party beside me
even if i'm always the one who is in disadvantage
i changed
i try to considerate other's condition before giving out any unfavourable words
even though friends beside me always talking bad words, i try not to talk
i try to say something nice about other people, giving a thought that they did that because of some reasons
they did nothing wrong and we don't know them either
we have no right to criticize them
we aren't any better also
human are flawless, that's why we always hope for perfection
but, sometimes you must change yourself in order to fit into your gang,or even society around you
so i believe i must have said something bad about other people
which in deep in my heart, i don't believe at all
i am saying for the sake of saying, in order to mix with them
you can despise me, angry with me, talk any thing bad about me
coz i really did that and i admit
god had sent me some friends on the first day of school which i never thought i can have friends so fast
i truly appreciate it
they are not bad, but as i said, people are flawless, you can't expect a perfect person do everything as you wish
they are excellent study partner, for no doubt
but when time goes on, they started to trust you, and did something that they expect you to know it's just a joke but you're hurt because of their words
you can never tell them because you aren't going to expose your weakness to them and you don't want them to feel awkward later on.
it's right when they said never tell others your weak points, never give them the chance to tease you.
papa always tell me, never trust people.
i deny it at first, but after so many years and undergo so many things, it's true that the persons that you can trust in this world is yourself.
low grades make me sad, but all i need is just a day
a day is more than enough for me to recover and i can take things easily and let go easily
it's not going to affect me much
i believe i still not that stupid yet
but sometimes, hurtful words take me years to forget
even when i though i forgot, i will still feel the pain in my heart when i remembered it
i am not going to tell you and i will still treat you as usual
but bear in mind, i will talk less now
to protect myself and to avoid getting myself into any unnecessary trouble
people are selfish, so am i
nobody is going to protect me except myself
to that friend, sorry to say you've hurt me
i wish you realise one day because this attitude is going to affect you in other days
and i admit it, i still can't let go so easily
i need time


i always belief everything happens for a reason
and that's the belief that support me until now.
i will get something back in return when it's the time
but sometimes no matter how much you've done
you still feel like you're losing more than you're receiving
and i guess
i am still a normal human who will get tired
when i am always the one who give rather than receive
am i the founder of the gang?
if yes, truly sorry that i think it's the time for me to rethink am i suitable for staying
because i don't feel any respect
sometimes i wonder why am i always the one who show concern
why am i always the one who co-operate with you all
why can't you all spare a thought for me?
do i really matter to you all?
ok well, it's not a single incident
it's an accumulation


continuing writting will not make things better and aren't going to make myself feel any better
so i guess i should stop here.

i said before, i will explode for all the unfair things that happen on me
and things are getting worse throughout this week
it's a tough week
though i manage to survive
i need some space to shout
twitter and fb is not safe for me anymore.
too many people get involved
the only safe place for me is my home

i will get what i want eventually
i'll give my love only to those who worth it
i am sorry, you all don't

till then.